How YOU Can Sue the California Lawn Review
Have you been personally, or better yet- in someone else’s name, offended by this publication? You might be entitled to compensation!
Not one member of our editorial board has taken intellectual property, but it is our understanding we can use any picture we would like as long as it is of someone we don’t like. To us, an Anti-SLAPP action is just a high five.
Were you not personally harmed in any way but would still like to quash attempts by anyone satirizing life at this school or enjoying themselves writ large? Amazeballs! You can file a claim against us for $$$.
The bestseller Boo Hoo, Pay Me: How to sue the California Lawn Review for Defamation, True Threats, Incitement, and Wrongful Life can be found in the Law Library stacks… somewhere. But we have summarized the crucial steps in this handy article.
First, you can always begin by having AI draft a cease and desist letter to send over to the homes of the publishers. It will have no legal significance, but it is good fun. Then, you can satisfy the basic element of a defamation claim by simply claiming you lost out on job opportunities.
Next, to prove the crucial element of a Cal. Civ. Code § 48(a) claim, you will need to prove that CLR “failed to use reasonable care to determine the truth or falsity of the statement.” Id. You are in luck! All staff at CLR are incapable of using reasonable care in any domain of their lives, especially in writing and editing this garbage!
And remember “[e]ven if [YOU] has not proved any actual damages for harm to reputation or shame, mortification, or hurt feelings, the law assumes that [YOU] has suffered this harm. Without presenting evidence of damage, [YOU] is entitled to receive compensation for this assumed harm in whatever sum you believe is reasonable.” Superego. Hence, you get cash.
If you are concerned about overcoming the hurdle that the publication must contain “a false statement of fact made with actual malice,” fear not! We have nothing but malice going here. Oodles of malice.
And if all else fails, you can add us to an online blacklist that employers can look at to ensure we never recoup the money we dropped on this education. Happy Halloween!
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